Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall....

I'm sure every person has that one ex-lover, that one person that always; no matter what, holds a special part of their heart. That one person that even if you haven't seen them for months, could change your world with a few simple words. That one person you would've sworn you'd lie down on train tracks for, or ran across the country, or taken a bullet for. Maybe it's young wanderlust that creates these dramatic feelings of attachment, maybe it's just a girl thing, maybe I haven't figured out exactly why. Even though I move forward with my life, he always lingers in the back of my mind. I wish this wasn't the case, how many times have I been told to "just move on" or simply forget.

How do you go about forgetting love? How did you know it was love in the first place? I mean no harm, I want only good things for him, and even though I know he's so bad for me, my heart still wants him. Or the feelings he gave me, I'm sure there's some other man out there who can evoke the same reactions from me. Either way it's a horrible inner turmoil to carry around, and no matter how hard I try he always seems to be right at the surface, playing with my emotions.

Shake My Head

Some days, I seriously wonder what's wrong with this generation. I myself am a 19 year old female, capable of making my own decisions & choices, but sometimes... When I see how other kids my age act, I just wanna know who screwed their head on backwards. Now I may sound highly hypocritical, considering I went through my own various phases through the years; some worse, some better. But I couldn't possibly have turned out to be who I am today without having gone through what I've gone through. I think I've gained some sort of wisdom through this period in my life, and my life has changed radically since I realized my dependance on alcohol was ruining my relationship with God, my friends, and my family.

I know some kids need to "learn it the hard way" or "learn it on their own" when it comes to drinking, promiscuity, drugs or whatnot. However, every single day I see people with so much potential, and so much to bring to the table... Simply throwing it away. Choosing to live fast and loose, ruining their own reputations, losing true friends and gaining "party friends" who make them feel more accepted but at the same time never more alone. I just don't understand why this is so appealing to the masses. I know what it's like to get sucked into the club scene, it looks so tantalizing and adventurous from the outside but the truth is, once you're there, you're stuck. Everyone around you becomes un trustworthy, everyone returns to their basic animal instincts, and you're stuck dealing with, well basically ... children. Drunk children in adult's bodies. Alcohol literally makes you think everything is acceptable. How many stories have you heard from your peers that start with "Man, I was so drunk this weekend..."? How many unwanted pregnancies, injuries and accidents happen because of intoxication? How many times do you need to hear this before you decide you've had enough and it's just not worth it?

Now by no means am I perfect, and I enjoy a nice glass of spiced rum and OJ once in awhile. But you'll never ever catch me making a fool of myself because of alcohol. I don't need any external substances to alter my conscience. I find it so sad that people feel the need to get so messed up every weekend that they don't even remember what they did, not to mention who they slept with... Yet another valuable part of every human being that gets demoralized and devalued when alcohol is added to the equation. How do these people expect their future partners to feel when they spent their entire youth whoring themselves out to their hometown? How can you expect integrity and trust from your lover when you offer none yourself?

Just some questions that leave me... shaking my head.

Ive got the devil on my shoulder

Ahh, spring break. You are supposed to invigorate me. According to the educational system, I right about deserve a week off right about this time of year. However, my mind can't seem to take this delicious mental vacation I so desperately need right about this time of year. When I just want some time to chill and not worry about my ever-present troubles crashing down upon me, instead I am more and more entangling myself in thoughts wrapping themselves around my brain and my soul is struggling to find air.
I have learned lately, people are never who you expect, and you can never trust those same people. Yes, it is possible for someone to say one thing to your face and another behind your back. Yes, it is possible for a person to appear one way yet be totally the other. And yes, it is possible for someone who once said they loved you, to purposely smite you.
So I am stuck in a mental limbo, and I cannot decide whether to blindly trust people and offer the benefit of the doubt, or skip the fence and offer no mercy to the world since it offers none to me. It does not seem to matter with how much love you approach a situation with, it does not matter if you do not judge or condemn; because the world condemns you anyways. Your closest friends can condemn you. Unconditional love seems like an unreachable fairytale.
Do not judge or condemn; apparently does not apply.

I'll take all the blame, the front page, and the fame

Yesterday. The epitome of my life - Billy Talent concert. The all-Canadian musical geniuses that fuel my passion for music, and Ben Kowalewicz, my goodness. So insane, so freaky, and I love him.
Yet since I hide beneath layers of egotistical typical north american teenager-ism, I secretly observe the behaviours of the general public especially in settings such as a concert. To my left, I had a family. Yes, at a rock concert fueled by bass and booze, was a typical housewife seated with two young boys, and their father. I had to question why they would choose to expose their sons to such worldly settings at such a young age. Or, they want them to grow up experiencing the magic of a live performance. Either way, kudos on being cool parents.
In front of me sat a man who appeared to be mid-thirties, accompanied by a man who appeared to be pushing fifty, yet can't get out of his wannabe-rocker phase. I was mildly amused and wondering why they were there until the thirty-something began talking about concerts he'd been to, and I must say he has good taste in music. Green Day, Metallica - and Rock on the Range. To say the least, he earned my respect. Not that it matters.

And the actual performance. Couldn't have sounded better, I'm not one to be an insane groupie but my goodness. Didn't miss a single note, didn't kill a single beat. These men know what they're doing. It was so tight. Could I hear after? No. Did I mind? Not in the least =)
One song in particular, actually moved me to tears - not that I was personally even relating to anything in the song. White Sparrows is such a sad melody about Ben's own, what I'm assuming to be, girlfriend dying. His aching and strained voice perfectly conveyed the emotion and feeling behind the lyrics - white sparrows came and carried her away. Most of his songs are about remorse, hate, politics, revenge but this one dug deeper - with sorrow. Needless to say when an artist can impact you that much with his voice - he's doing a good job.